If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
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Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what