When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
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If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
is it earth
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
That’s it.I’m out.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.