My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
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[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.