My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
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[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
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Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur