[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
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A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Wise advice
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”