This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
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Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests