The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
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I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
He just like my cat fr
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.