me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
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a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.