I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
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Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
everyone’s a critic
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political