Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
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i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick