Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
You Might Also Like
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.