Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
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Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Meow
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.