I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
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this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good