Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
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Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.