And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
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I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Bed should get ready for ME
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Taliband
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.