Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
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Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
the three branches of government
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet