I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
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This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Blew my mind.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.