The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
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*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
BRO LMFAO
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it