70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
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This rocks
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once