If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
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Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*