How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
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*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
😂 amazing answer
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
the Monday after daylight savings
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.