What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
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I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.