trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
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Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
This fish is cracking me up
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
2023 was just a warmup
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.