A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
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A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
LOL
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?