Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
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“What?”
– Jude
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
The days of good grammer has went
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
nobody’s gonna understand
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
mumsnet is amazing
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.