when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
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Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.