Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
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Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Best seat on the street 😍
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
S M O L
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats: