driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
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A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Generation gap…
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
A bold strategy
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I love twitter
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?