[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
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DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Cartman: Respect my
a a
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream