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Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
the three genders
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”