“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
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If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling