If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
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Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy