My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
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*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.