“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
You Might Also Like
is nasa ok
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
If only
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Never let them know your next move 😂
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…