My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
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invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do