I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
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My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.