“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
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“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean