I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
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E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding