Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
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Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Facebook marketplace is a different world
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery