Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
You Might Also Like
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
The pasta is now
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.