me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
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I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet