btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
You Might Also Like
the icebreaker
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again