Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
You Might Also Like
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
At least he brought enough for everyone
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.