Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
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You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.