Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
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Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me