What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
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FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.