You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
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I get distracted pretty eas
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one