Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
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me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff