Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
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No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Aaaa…CHOO!
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]