People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
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1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.